Monday, June 11, 2012

Camp "Independence"

It is so interesting how we grow our whole lives to become independent.  As a very young girl, that is all that I dreamed of.  I was certain that I could do it all on my own and I worked hard to do so.  I did , of course, learn that however strong I was I could certainly not do it ALL on my own and enjoyed the journey.  Now here I am, a 33 year old woman, as independent as they come, holding my breath as I drop my two oldest children off at a 5 day "sleep over" camp, agonizing over their search for independence.  How does this happen?  Why does this cycle never end?  How is it that I have fought my whole life to become independent and end up giving my whole heart and soul to my children as I hold on to them and beg for their dependence on me. I want nothing more than for my children to be strong, independent individuals as long as they never lose their grasp on their mama. Being a mother is so painful and yet so rewarding at the same time.  I remember thinking years ago,  "what could be worse than reliving junior high all over again?" and then I realized that watching my children go through it would be a thousand times more torturous. I want to protect them from all of the mean things in the world.  I wish I could make everyone realize how amazing these kids are without having them go through the actual pains of growing up. It is funny to me how different my "independent" children are.  As I dropped Spence off in his cabin, he was eager to see me off, and hesitant to give me a goodbye hug in front of all the other boys.  Belle, on the other hand, hugged me as tight as she could and said "I am going to miss you so much mommy".  She was hesitant to let me go but knew it was time and she said "Okay little bird, fly away."  Oh how I love her. I don't think she realized I was thinking the same words.  She is my silent protector.  The more she grows up, the more I realize we need each other so very much.  Gavin, with pack on back was so eager to be grown up and head to "Camp Hobe" too.  His little heart was broken when he realized that he did not get to stay with his brother and sister.  We decided to make our own camp this week "Camp Mommy".  I do not think he expects this to be as cool as Hobe but for now it is sufficient.